Rockheart!

heart-rock-toni-hopperSo it appears to have happened! I have achieved the ubiquitous experience of many modern-day human worker ants, Burnout! I say worker ants, as it seems ants appear to live a life on “repeat”. Wake up, get up, get out, get back and go down, only to repeat the cycle. Different day, same…well you get the idea.

Burnout seems to me a bit of a “cop-out”, after all, isn’t it a label for those who just can’t keep up with the pace, the ones who play a good game but choke on the finish line, those who were meant to do good, but should leave the great for those who don’t use the “B” word. I honestly struggle to hold this diagnosis with any form of seriousness, or at least I did before I found myself head in hand banging my fists against the wall, crouched on my knees screaming into nothingness while my kids ran to the next room unsure of what was happening. I struggle to think, to decide, to become motivated. I would rather be alone, separated from the crowd so I can let the tears gather in private. I’m irritable, I feel out of control. But isn’t this normal in todays working world?

The irony is, I’m a counsellor, a “fixer”, surely this is something I should have seen coming a mile away and taken action against? The truth is that I didn’t see this coming, sure I wasn’t passionate and full of joy, but the busyness consumes us and lies to us. It says that as long as I am filling my time with tasks, I am productive, as long as I am ticking boxes, I am fulfilling my purpose. The sad truth is that if we aren’t conscious of our own mental, emotional, physical and spiritual state, the good starts to overwhelm us and can become a poison that begins to feed on the great, our passions, our source of joy, and before you know it, the things that gave you a purpose, those things we know we have been called to, those very things become a drudgery, another task on life’s all-consuming “to do” list. So with hesitation in my heart, I declare I am burnt out!

Now what?

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When the flame starts to flicker

????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????What happens when passions fade, when the things you attach your purpose to stop being the reasons you keep moving forward or keep dreaming. When the pieces seem too shattered to gather off the floor, when simply choosing to take another step has become an effort and the noise of your life seems to engulf and overshadow you.

I’m a husband, a father, a soft place, someone who’s heart cries out for the little ones who don’t know they belong. At least that is the me I remember and the me I’m desperately trying to claw my way back to becoming. I write about fathering, sonship, manhood, adoption and all things related. But if you were to take a quick stock of my online footprint, you’d be forgiven for thinking I’ve suffered from little connectivity for most of 2014. What’s happened, where have I gone?

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